A Short Story (on toxic and abusive relationships)

I have been recently trying to sort through much of the enmeshment from my past, and trying to reconcile the abuse and hurt in my own life with one of the tenants and hallmarks of my faith: forgiveness. It has by far been the biggest battle that I have faced, fought, or feared. I recently sat down and penned this allegorical story and thought that I would post it on here. Hopefully it can be of help to some of you who have been through something similar.



There is so much water under the bridge and over it, that the foundation is seriously compromised and damaged in our relationship. Much repair work needs to be done before the bridge can be of any support to anything of value. This support, this framework that must be repaired, it’s a tedious process and a time consuming one. This bridge is one that needs much attention to its cornerstones and foundational supports, because without this stable and safe framework, the bridge will do nothing but collapse once again. I emphasize the word, “safe.” The bridge (or, our relationship) must be safe. A safe place to place my foot so that it doesn’t crumble underneath me and carry me downstream in the undercurrent. A safe bridge so that the floods do not overwhelm and consume me. One where there is trust.




This is where the rebuilding of our relationship gets tricky. Its not as if there were just a few stones and a beam that needs tending to and repairing, the entire structure must be rebuilt. The old one has been so damaged by lack of attention and proper maintenance that it is beyond repair. It’s in shambles, crumbling beneath the water. No one would advise trying to salvage what has already been lost. The cost is too high, and the price too great. And in the end, the same problems will arise once more, simply because the old has not been swept away to make room for the new.




These stones are stacked, one on top of the other. If one of them is not placed properly, and carefully, mindfully, then the next stone, and hence the entire bridge, is compromised. We must be able to trust this bridge to be safe. A bridge bridges the gap between to points on the horizon, it brings those things that previously seemed to be unreachable, together. But the only way that it works is if the bridge is soundly constructed, meticulously built, and every detail paid attention to in building its foundation.




Sometimes a stone is cracked once its placed. Sometimes an entire support beam needs to be taken out, either having a hairline crack that barely meets even the skilled eye, or having major flaws and crevices that are completely noticeable. All of these things require patience and hard work and the attention of the architect. And while it might be cliché’ to think that God is the Master Architect here, I am referring to His bond servant: man. Men have responsibility to one another and to the Chief Architect and in this instance the responsibility is building the bridge and making sure that it is trustworthy and safe.




In order for the bridge to be safe and trustworthy, it must first be understood. The old bridge must be carefully analyzed and meticulously studied. For example, the old layout of the ground needs to be looked at. How did the layout of the ground affect the way the bridge has deteriorated over time? How has the ground affected the shifting of the stones, the crumbling of the walls? How did that affect the placement of the floor beams, and how did that which was visible become dilapidated? What happened to this bridge to make it come to so much ruin and decay?




Once we have taken our data, and analyzed it thoroughly, then we can begin the task of rebuilding. But it first takes understanding and admittance that certain things, serious errors and flaws, contributed to its demise. A good builder understands these things.




Relationships are like buildings. They house confidences, secrets, and feelings. They provide shelter from storms, let the sun in for happiness, comfort for the brokenhearted, solace for the weary, joy for the light of heart. They can also be a place of filth, disgust, and foreboding, where feces are rampant and the stench hits your nostrils before your foot is on the landing. Good homes, happy homes, heavenly homes are ones that people feel safe in. They feel accepted there, not judged. Free to be themselves and free to express. Bad homes are ones in which individuals feel trapped, judged, beaten down, criticized and condemned. They leave feeling their burdens not lifted, but loaded further down.




Sometimes the entire area where a bridge has been built needs to be passed over in search of better ground, with better footholds, and more importantly, a better consideration of the river underneath and how the flow impacts the bridge. Where the first bridge was built on this river, there was no consideration of how heavily the current was hitting the poorly constructed foundation underneath the bridge. This is what led to the demise of the bridge.




It causes one to ask where did the first bridge go? It has been swept downstream and done away with, it was no longer safe to repair it and the ground underneath of it, the foundation, was completely destroyed. All future builders have lost their trust in this bridge. No one dares to risk the safety of human lives by building on this shoddy foundation, so they have moved it downstream, in a completely new area. It is fresh soil, a fresh foundation, a completely new bridge. And in no way is it the same bridge. It has a completely different design and purpose. It is no longer even built on the same foundation. It is different in every way imaginable.




The first bridge was built with very little consideration for the long-term impact that its placement would have. There was also no consideration to how shaky the foundation was or how the flow of the current would impact the structure. For a while, the bridge held up, but over time it began to crumble. The architect of this bridge had constructed it poorly and cheaply, taking little time to reflect on how the shoddy foundation would fail to support the weight of the bridge. Ultimately, when this bridge was demolished and swept downstream, the builder had to assume all responsibility for its decay. It wasn’t the fault of the support structure; it wasn’t the fault of the bridge itself. It was the fault of the builder, and the builder alone.




I am the bridge and you are the builder of the first bridge in our relationship. Because of your lack of attentiveness, attention, and wisdom in constructing and building this bridge (which is your relationship with your daughter), the bridge is in shambles. There is no hope of rebuilding it. Instead the bridge needs to find a new builder and needs to be reconstructed in a completely new spot. And regardless of whether or not the old builder takes responsibility for the first bridge, it is his and his alone, to bear. Another new builder can come in and take ownership and construct a bridge in a new area and still the old builder not take responsibility for his role. That’s fine. Life will move on, because there is a need for this bridge to be reconstructed. Because of this need, there will be a new builder that will come in and help to redeem the time by building a new one. But the only way that that first builder could EVER be allowed to come in and build the new bridge, is if he took responsibility for what he had done to the first bridge. There were economical damages that had happened because of his folly and foolishness. Surveyors had to be called in to assess the damage (i.e. counselors, pastors and doctors), new equipment must be purchased (i.e. medication), and time and other’s resources were wasted and squandered on trying to clean up the mess that he had made. It wasn’t the bridge’s fault that this was happening to her. There were others that cared and were trying to help figure out what had gone wrong. But all along the builder knew. He knew he was the one responsible for this. He knew even the root cause of the problem: carelessness with precious resources and trust that others had placed in him.




When this builder finally came to his senses, he knew he must repay and make restitution. He wanted the chance to prove that he was capable of following advise, rebuilding, restoring, redeeming. He took it upon himself to not only pay for the past damage done to the old bridge, in full, he also took it upon himself to pay for the cost of the new bridge. Whether he ever got recognized or not for the work he had done on the new bridge mattered little. He knew that it was his fault from the beginning and he knew that he must make it right. To do anything less was cowardly.




The most powerful thing happened though. The bridge came alive. She understood that though it was the builder’s responsibility to reconstruct her and to pay for what he had done, she also knew that she couldn’t go through life feeling indebted to him. She knew that her image, which the builder had destroyed, could be rectified if she took it upon herself to build herself back together. She knew where the problem lied. She knew that there was much work to be done. She knew that it was her right to demand that the builder “pay up” and held accountable for his actions. She even talked to a lawyer who validated this. She knew her rights and she knew that the builder owed her much. He had after all, completely destroyed her, and left her for dead as it were on more than one occasion. She knew that she needed to value herself more than anything and that she needed to reconstruct her own image on her own. She needed to do this for herself. She didn’t need someone else to do it for her. She didn’t want the builder to dictate how she viewed herself either. She wanted to be who she wanted to be, alone and as far away from the builder as possible.




This bridge understood where this builder had taken her. She understood how deep and scarred and extensive the damage was that he did to her. The damage was so great in fact that the only hope was resurrection from the dead. “The old has gone, the new has come!”




She struggled for a long time as to what to do. She sought months and months of counsel. Everyone gave her help but no one could just tell her what to do. Does she go back and allow this builder to have influence in her life? Should she trust the builder who did her so much harm? He destroyed her! He left for dead! He was careless with her, he never took pride in her, he never loved her. He never understood the pain that she was in, day after day, crumbling beneath the weight. He never cared enough to ask for help. He never wanted to understand how his decisions and choices impacted her. He took her for granted that she would always be there and that he could use her on a whim whenever he felt like it. He didn’t understand until the day the bridge collapsed that he had a problem. And even then he wanted to blame her and tell her that it was all her fault that she came tumbling down.




This bridge had had enough of this unwise and abusive builder. Far too much of her time and mental energy was wasted. And even after she never saw the builder, it still consumed her. She wanted to do what was right without dishonoring the builder. She desired more than anything to do that which was obedient to the will of God. But she didn’t know how she could trust that builder again. He had failed her once, down to the very depths of the soil beneath her. He had failed her so miserably that she had to seek out another place, a different place where she could heal, rebuild and restore herself. She tried to figure out a way to find a balance where she could allow this builder to have a part in her life and yet still forgive him. It was complicated.




She had an orphaned set of ducklings that took refuge under her bridge. These ducklings had become quite accustomed to seeing the builder every so often and he would bring the ducklings little rice cakes to eat. The ducklings loved those rice cakes. But the bridge, their sole source of protection, was crumbling around them and they were unaware of it. The bridge did not want to deny these precious ducklings a relationship with the builder but she also could not stand the sight of him. Whenever he would leave, or right before he would arrive, she would be an emotional mess. Hatred and bitterness would rise up in her and cause the blocks beneath the river’s surface even more damage. The little ducklings were oblivious to all of this, all they knew was that they liked the rice cakes.




So this made the bridge’s decision hard and complex. But one day she saw it for what it was. She could forgive this builder. But she could not and would not allow herself to be duped into allowing him to rebuild her downstream. She knew that the hope of reconciliation was futile. She had tried and begged and pleaded on many occasions before to the builder about what he had done to her and begged him to help her in the process of reconciliation. But this builder was proud. He refused to see his sin and the impact that it had on her life…until it was too late. Rebuilding downstream apart from the builder would ultimately be healthier for her little ducklings. Instead of a dilapidated, ugly bridge built in a place of foreboding, she would reconstruct herself in a happy place…she would be beautiful and safe, free from the builder and the hold that he held on her, and she would build a life apart from him. This was the only way that her ducklings could be safe and happy. She had to trust that others would come in and feed her ducklings the rice cakes that they so longed for and it would be done because they not only enjoyed the ducklings, but because they loved the bridge for what she was and had become: a shining beacon, a beautiful sight, a place of security.




The only way that she could be truly free was to forgive and release the builder of the responsibility he had to her. She had to release herself of the overwhelming burden of trying to get this builder to understand the damage. That didn’t mean she didn’t hold him accountable. She did. And she told him so, but following that conversation she also related to him that she could not have a relationship with him any longer. He had destroyed her and the trust that they once had. There was no hope of rebuilding a partnership with this builder. She needed to do this alone, with the help of others, so that her ducklings (and herself) could be safe, happy and free.