In Need of (Your Voice)

I confess I am discouraged. Greatly so.

My life has been very difficult as of late. Not only am I trying to take 16 hours in college, be a mother to three boys, a wife, and a home keeper, I am also trying to sort through and break 40 years of generational sin in my family. My parents have officially hit the fan and are trying to force me back into a relationship with them by using their church as a means to do so. The crux of the argument stems from my parent's (whom I have intentionally left unnamed) inability to let go of the little girl that was subjected to neglect and abuse in their home. I was consistently placed in the abuse/victim role and they were consistently in the parental/perpetrator/abuser role. This type of relating continues to this day. After years of trying to make it work with them (and perhaps being unwise on my part), I recently informed them that I could no longer have a relationship with them.

My parents attend a large church in the Midwest. Because I was home schooled and subjected to isolation, I was never permitted to attend college and so therefore I was never provided a means of escaping our common social circles. In most situations like this, the child leaves the nest, goes to college, and never returns. Not only is that aspect unique, another factor is that I never left the faith. Its a miracle that I did not. We even belong to the same denomination. Because my parents have become masters at co-dependency and hiding behind their shame and sin, they have duped the pastoral staff into believing that they are the victims of slander~ because of this blog site.

My father has sent un-post-marked letters to my home and he and my mother have actively participated in coercing me and my husband to meet with pastors when we have stated that we are done with our relationship. They call whomever will give them an ear if that individual has authority over me in my parent's eyes. My parents are even trying to impede my recovery process because they are now chewing my counselor out and informing her that "she is not handling the situation correctly." Their desire and goal is two-fold: 1) to force me to let them have access to my children and 2) for me to remove this "slanderous" blog site.

Such foolishness! While I am still the scared little girl who was subjected to a lot of cruelty by her towering father, I am also deeply saddened and discouraged. Saddened because they do not see their sin and saddened also because though these leaders in the church recognize that there are deep issues here, they chose to remain in the dysfunctional system and allow my parents to not only be supported by the tithes of God's people (they both work there), but they also refuse to confront their sin head-on.

Well, I am sick and tired of being subjected to their abuse and of playing their cruel mind games. I have stated over and over what I need from them is open dialogue on the facts, yet the only thing they want is the chance to defend themselves and for me to recant. I feel like Peter Parker trying to escape Venom in the third installment of the movie series with Toby MacGuire. Every time I plead for the enmeshment to escape me, I get close. Oh so close. And then it latches back onto its host with a grasp that was more severe than the last. After gut-wrenching work, I finally feel like I am free. But not perhaps without scars.

My parents are scared of the power that I wield with my pen. Perhaps they should be, but that is not why I write. I write for victims. I write because it gives MY LIFE meaning. I write because it is my God-given right and calling. I want to redeem what the Enemy has meant for my harm and turn it into something meaningful and redemptive~ something only Christ can do.

But this is where my heart is discouraged: My father is now threatening a law suit against me for slander. A lawsuit against his only daughter (the same daughter whose innocence he cruelly shattered at the tender age of 3, the same one that he used to shake with such violence the teeth shattered in her head, and the same one that he would drop to the floor in a corner and told her to shut up while he finished watching the latest episode of Cheers). A lawsuit against his three young grandchildren. He is convinced, and is trying his darnedest to convince others, of the fact that there is slander on here. Which I know is a load of horse crap. But the Enemy wants to discourage me from telling my story! He wants to keep me in the throws of guilt!

I want it to be redeemed! I want my life and the abuse and neglect that I went through to have purpose and to help others.

I do not write because I want to expose them. If I wanted to do that, I would name them. I wouldn't protect their identity, and I would throw every dirty thing I could imagine up and write about it. No, the fact that my father is so irate, speaks to his lack of having a heart that is submitted to Christ. It also speaks of his heart and the fact that it is nothing but cold, hard slate towards his daughter. Perhaps even more, it speaks of his guilt. Why would he feel so guilty? Why would he and my mother be so consumed with what is discussed here if they didn't have something to hide? Why would my father be so consumed with his reputation and maintaining his job if he didn't have something shameful that he did to me while I was an innocent little girl under his care, if he didn't want it found out? Why is he being so insistent that I remove my blog, unless what I say is truth?

Its laughable to think that he has a case. It really is. And though my parents would like to THINK that the world revolved around them, it DOESN'T. This blog is not about them, its not really even about ME.

Its about the voices that don't have one. The girls and boys behind curtains and closed doors who don't have an advocate. I write for THEM. I write to raise awareness about the homeschooling lifestyle and the utter damage it does to the family (yes, I believe there are no good homeschooling situations). I write so that maybe if I can just prevent one family from going down this path; or help one lonely girl who is up late at night wetting her pillow with tears wondering why her world is so colorless; or help that post-home school graduate grapple with an understanding of why their perspective on life is the way it is, then maybe, I have done my job. God never said the life of a prophetess would be easy. Often telling the truth alienates people from you. And in the case of me, that happens to be my entire family.

But I would rather live in the happiness and liberty of the truth (even if parts of it are not comfortable) than to spend the rest of my life in denial and darkness, simply because I chose to remain in dysfunction and ignorance of my sin. So I refuse to be silenced...I will write as long as America is free and as long as I have breath!

So if you are a reader...please leave a comment. I need to know that you want me to keep writing, and why! I need some encouragement to keep writing and keep this blog up and running!